Journal Entry – May 18th
I would have imagined I’d be writing about confronting Shelly and how she told me everything but, instead, the weirdest thing happened.
We were sitting under that tree, the one that’s just off the school grounds, and I decided it was time to tell her I knew something was up and ask her to come clean. The best laid plans… I had mustered up all the courage in my being and took her by the hand. I looked deep in her eyes and said, “I have something I need to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time…”
Then, out of nowhere, she cut me off with, “I love you, too!” THEN she kissed me.
Just like that I was shut down. Courage gone without a trace… The kiss was nice; I’ll admit that. Until it turned into her French kissing the side of my face a bit which seemed more like a lick than a kiss.
Later that day, as we ate hamburgers down at Benny’s, I tried to tell her again. As usual, true to form, it wasn’t to be. A new waitress, I hadn’t seen her there before, over shot her mark and skated right into our table, spilling our sodas all over us. As we sat there, looking at each other covered in soda while the waitress apologized profusely, Shelly did something crazy and shook the soda off like a wet dog. Right there in Benny’s, in front of everyone! The whole place, including Shelly and I, rolled with laughter. The waitress was so confused by all the laughing she burst into tears. Apparently thinking everyone was laughing at her for being clumsy.
So, just as before, I am right back to where I was last time. She doesn’t know that I know something’s wrong but I feel a bit like a bastard for not saying anything because I get this sense maybe she’s been giving me clues and waiting for me to say something first.
Maybe I should, even at this late hour, put down my pen and just walk over to her house and romantically toss pennies at the window. When she comes out, I’ll just tell her. Right there in the night air, on the lawn, under the moon… wait… maybe I WON’T do it that way. See, here’s where I’m all mixed up inside because every time I think about heading over to her house to surprise her, I actually feel a little scared. I just don’t know what I’d find if I showed up in the middle of the night, unannounced. I don’t know if it’s a fear of finding her with someone else or not but I just get a creepy feeling.
Even though Shelly says she loves me, there’s just something I don’t trust and I don’t know what that means. Is it possible maybe I don’t really love her if I can’t trust her? Oh man, I just realized I didn’t tell her I loved her too when she told me she loved me. Why didn’t I say it? Oh shit, I’m really screwed now! If she was on the fence about our relationship before then maybe she was feeling me out to see if she can trust me…what if I just let her down?
Damn, now my head really hurts! They say writing is good therapy – why isn’t this helping!?
Here’s my plan: Tomorrow afternoon, same plan as before but I’ll just follow through. When we meet to study under the tree, I’ll make my speech as I’ve rehearsed it a million times in my head. Crap, maybe I should write it down and practice it in the mirror so I don’t stutter when the time comes. Why didn’t I think of this before? I better go now and write it all down, before I forget and end up at the last bell with nothing but a bunch of butterflies swarming around in my stomach.