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Dear Sarah,
Well, my bliss was short-lived and, just as I should have known, my blind happiness was a bit dangerous too. I let my guard down.
I was in such a great mood and the world, and everything in it looked perfect. I didn’t think anything at all could bring me down, and that was my undoing. I was happy with life; proud of my Brendan and starting to figure things out with Sammy – as a friend!
Then, the other night, Sammy came over to hang out. We watched old black & white horror movies and laughed hysterically as Bela Lugosi took his victims. We drank red wine and ate chocolate cake. It was supposed to be the two of us hanging out.
Yes, I should have seen it coming. It was a date, not a girls night out, although it started innocent enough. Maybe it WAS premeditated on Sammy’s part, though. Hell, I just don’t know. I mean, she was wearing a skin tight dress and smelled like seduction, but that’s just the way she usually dresses.
I don’t buy the “I was drunk” excuse, for cheating. Or at least, I didn’t. One glass of wine turned into half a dozen and we were lit. Or, I think Sammy was drunk too… it doesn’t matter; I couldn’t resist any longer. I melted in her kiss, and it was over.
I wanted her and I knew it, I just couldn’t admit it. Sammy may be cruel and intense, but she’s my safety and I still love her. No matter how much I lose control, I could never hurt her – not that I would ever want to. Sometimes it just feels good not to be the strongest person in the room, right?
Shit, how I missed her. The way she holds me, the strength, I never wanted to let her go. Then or now. So why did she let me go? Maybe she never did.
Now here I am- A total mess!
How am I supposed to face Brendan? And this is where I get the most upset with myself. I finally get to the point where I was sure he’d accept and love me as I am. I started feeling like everything could be okay. And then I went and cheated on him with Samantha.
I’ve been doing my best to avoid them. I know I can’t keep it up, but I also don’t know how to deal with all this! Should I tell Brendan and face his disappointment in hopes of reconciliation or should I just leave him and save myself the heartache? And what if Sammy leaves me again? I love them both, but I’m now afraid I’ll have nothing in the end.
As much as I put myself through this misery, I drag Brendan through his fair share. To his credit, he keeps coming back for more. Maybe a life with Sammy would just be easier, but that’s the problem. She doesn’t want a life with me, and I want more than fleeting moments of debauchery filled with sex.
The rest of me, the majority is screaming inside. I want Brendan. At least I have the possibility of growing old with him.
Man. I feel like shit.
Always thoughtful in your embrace,
Shelly
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