Dear Sarah – May 17th

Dear Sarah,

After careful consideration, I have decided not to tell Brendan that I am sometimes a big stinky, hairy dog – just yet. 

I mean after the other night at Benny’s, I’m pretty sure he’ll just think I’m kidding anyway.  I can’t believe when that waitress spilled those sodas, I just shook it off.  I mean I literally SHOOK it off.  As in, like a dog.  Everyone thought it was funny as hell.  What could I do?  I laughed along with them, pretending it was a joke.  Well, it was pretty funny, except to that poor girl; she was mortified and I could smell it.  I slipped her a five dollar tip on top of what Brendan left her, I felt so bad for her.

OK. Back to the issue at hand.  I didn’t tell Brendan the truth yet.  Well, how could I?  He came to me under that same oak tree (I’m starting to think of it as our tree). He was looking so earnest and well, yummy and in a really good way!

I knew what he was going to say; he’s fallen in love with me! That’s the first step guys take when they want to have sex, right? I couldn’t stand the nervous look on his face so I cut him off and told him I love him instead.  I mean, it’s time, isn’t it? I’ve known that I love him for a while now and I know he loves me too. Well, I just want everything out in the open because I totally want to be with him as much as he wants to be with me. I’m just so scared and it’s not as easy as it was before; I do miss those days. You remember don’t you? I guess I just don’t know boys as well as I thought. I thought my first time would be easier.

Anyways, I’m starting to ramble. I was always the emotional one which is ironic but you know that already.  It really bothered me that Brendan was such a wreck and I felt so guilty. I mean, if Brendan just wanted to screw me and dump me it wouldn’t have bothered him to make a move or just tell me repeatedly that he loves me. That’s how I know he loves me.

Crap, maybe this would have been better if it had just been about sex. I could have killed two birds with one stone. Had sex with Brendan and then told him my big hairy secret afterwards, when he’s all dopey and lovey-dovey.  I wonder if that’ll still work.  He won’t jump out the window.  Will he? I wish I was surer. 

Oh. Man!  Now that I am starting down doubtsville road, I’m getting a really bad feeling.  What if he wasn’t going to confess his love to me at all? What if that wasn’t what it was all about?!  What if that’s just what I wanted him to say?  Maybe he was going to break up with me! I mean, I never did actually give him the chance to say it, did I?  He was all like “I have something I need to tell you…”  and I went all gooey. I think I may have actually dog kissed him at one point…

Oh. God!  He never actually said it!

No.  No, I can’t go thinking like that again.  Things are going great between us.  He is totally in love with me. ..I think.

Always thoughtful in your embrace, Shelly.