Here’s a zombie apocalypse quiz for you – do you know which weapons would serve you best when the undead masses are clawing at your door? Better yet, do you know which would be the worst?
During a zombie attack some weapons will be more desirable than others due to the extreme amount of damage that they can inflict upon targets; both living and dead. However, when choosing a weapon of undead (m)ass destruction, you really need to choose wisely. Simply put, the wrong choice of weaponry could be the last choice you ever make. All that being said, this is a list of weapons which may seem like an awesome idea at first glance, however, in reality they just don’t make the cut. (No pun intended.) This is not a complete and exhaustive list, as stated in previous articles, as everything can be improved upon.
- Chainsaws – A chainsaw (think Evil Dead) is probably the most horrible idea for a weapon a person could possibly make, as it takes a fuel source to make it work. When the fuel runs out, what you’d be left with is a hunk of useless junk that wouldn’t even make a good door stop. And that’s just the beginning of my anti-chainsaw rant… These beasts are seriously loud and extremely heavy. If you’ve ever used one, then you know what I’m saying here. This won’t be like the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Its blade/chain will get caught up in the meat and clothing of your target and will cease to work. And did I mention that it’s heavy? In the movies you may see a crazy psychopath chasing a girl for twenty minutes whilst wielding a chainsaw. In reality, no psychopath is THAT dedicated, and the weight of a chainsaw would be the proof. He’d ditch that loud, hunk of crap faster than you could blink and choose a better weapon for the job. And did I mention that it’s heavy? (You get the point.) Let me add one last thing here, just because it’s basically the same type of tool. A weed-eater with the saw blade attachment is just as stupid an idea as a zombie killing weapon as a chainsaw, and for the exact same reasons.
- Sledge Hammers – Gallagher, if you’re reading this, I love ya, but your weapon of choice is a fail when it comes to killing zombies. First off, it’s bulky and generally requires two hands to wield it properly. Second, it takes an extreme amount of energy to keep the kills coming with a weapon as cumbersome as a sledge hammer. So, you’d likely end up zombie food within minutes of a melee. And while it looks like an intimidating choice, as far as the living goes, I’d just fain fear, hold my ground, and then when the first swing happens, I’d dodge like a ninja hopped up on Mt. Dew and pixie stix. It would really be that easy, because once a sledge hammer is in motion it can’t exactly change directions. And the recovery time for another swing would be as slow as a fly trying to walk out of cold molasses. In that amount of time, a person with a better choice of weapon could get the victory in the encounter, and stroll along his or her merry way to the next encounter with either the living or the dead.
- Logging Axes – This would be the two handed, larger brother of the hatchet or hand axe. While it’s not extremely heavy to carry, it does require two hands to swing it with enough force to kill a zombie. Yes, it is a handy tool to have, just as the previously mentioned sledge hammer, but it wouldn’t make a great self-defense weapon. For arguments sake, we’ll say you picked the logging axe as your weapon for a scavenging run. You’re doing great, then – BAM!!! – You go around a corner and run head-on into a horde of fiends out to eat your flesh. You kill one, then another, and maybe even a third, but now you’re quickly running out of swinging power. You manage to dodge, and then you score another bloodstained victory, but now you’re way too tired to continue the melee, let alone run away. What happens next is something best left unsaid. Get the point?
- Baseball Bats with nails (spiked baseball bat) – A baseball bat is generally a great weapon to have, as it’s lightweight and easy to wield. Then you have someone with the lame idea of driving nails through the end to make it more sinister. In theory, I will say that it does look appealing. Spiked bat… kick ass! If I was living in a cartoon or movie… In reality, a spiked baseball bat would be a real chore to carry safely, both for you and your party members. If you kill a zombie with it, the chances of the spikes getting stuck in the zombie’s skull are very high. Then, let’s say you retrieved the spikes without incident. Now you have a spiked bat with zombie blood and skull clotted to it. If you make one wrong move, or get tripped up and fall onto it, then you’re really screwed. You just infected yourself, genius! Way to go! Just pick a better weapon is all I’m saying. An alternative version of the spiked baseball bat, but equally as stupid and not very well thought out, is the baseball bat with blades attached to it. Same scenario as before, same results. Enough said.
- Scythes – This is probably one of the coolest weapons a person could own, but only as a conversational piece. Let’s leave the reaping to the Grim Reaper, and let’s leave our prize toy hanging on the wall. First, it’s ungodly bulky and awkward to wield. Second, while it instills fear in the living, the dead just don’t see it as we do. Enough said about this item, so let’s move on.
- Sling Shots – A sling shot is a handy little hunting weapon in a pinch, but it wouldn’t make an effective zombie killing weapon. Reloading may be quick with enough practice, and hitting a head sized target may be easy enough for a person with enough practice, but consistently killing zombies with it when the battle is raging wouldn’t happen in a million years. Don’t get me wrong, these are great to play with, and to target practice with, but they’re just not great as zombie killing weapons.
- Claymore Swords – Big, bad, and impressive, the Claymore definitely has its place in the history books for being a bad ass weapon of war. However, its bulky size and two handed attack style leaves much to be desired as an effective zombie killing weapon. For the same reasons as the sledge hammer and the logging axe, a Claymore would likely be towards the bottom of my list on choices of weapons to take on a mission. Leave the Claymore hanging on the wall alongside the scythe.
- Blowguns – These are great hunting weapons, as far as rabbits and squirrels go, but the skull crushing power just isn’t there. You’d have to be able to hit a moving target the size of a quarter (the eyeball of a zombie) to do any good at all with a blowgun. Yes, you could use poison on the darts, however, a zombie wouldn’t care about that either. He’s already dead! Err… undead. I’d choose something else. Moving on…
- Common Garden Tools – This is an entire category of poor weapon choices, but it has to be noted, as some people would go straight for the tool shed without a second thought. This area would include shovels, rakes, hedge trimmers (Zombieland anyone?), secateurs, hoes (not the common street walking variety), etc. While these soil working and greenhouse implements could kill a zombie, effective and repeated killing power is a necessity when making the correct choice of zombie killing weapons. These items just don’t hack it. (Again, no pun intended.)
- Lack of Knowledge – You might be thinking to yourselves… Wait a second. Lack of knowledge isn’t a weapon? You’re exactly right, however, it is a very poor choice to make, and yes, we ourselves do make the choice whether or not to be educated or to remain clueless. With that being said, get a clue as to what the proper line of response is for tactically defending yourself and your family from both the living and the dead. Make the correct, well-educated choices on what to do in case of an emergency, not only for the zombie apocalypse, but for everyday living before the SHTF. Learn first-aid and practice every chance you get.
So how’d you do on this zombie apocalypse quiz? I hope this list of poor weapon choices will help you make the correct weapon and knowledge choices when the time arises. The only time it’s too late to learn what to do in any given situation is when the storm is raging and you’re in the dark. (Metaphorically speaking.) It’s kind of like waiting until the day of the big test to open the book to study. You won’t know the answers, because it will already be too late.
This is a continued and longer list of even poorer choices of weapons to use but not quire in the top ten of our zombie apocalypse quiz. These weapons are silly, cartoonish, and in some cases, downright lame ideas for zombie killing weapons. No big explanation will be given for most of these items, nor is one even really needed as to why it would be a stupid decision to use them as self-defense weapons. Some of these are items in which I’ve actually heard, with my own ears, people talking about grabbing and whacking a zombie to death with when the apocalypse comes to pass. Others still are items I’ve seen in movies and on video games, which mostly need no explanation as to why they would suck as weapons to kill zombies. And here we go…
- A toaster. (Just silliness here.)
- Flails/Morning Stars.
- A prosthetic limb. (This was one I heard two older men arguing about in a local café a few weeks back.)
- A cue ball in a tube sock.
- A lawnmower.
- A lawnmower blade attached to a chain.
- Ninja Stars.
- A rolling pin. (Nom Nom Pastries!)
- A hubcap, with razor blades super glued to it, attached to a chain. (Yes, I actually heard three teenage boys arguing heatedly about this as a great choice of weaponry for killing zombies.)
- A 2×4, wrapped in cloth, then wrapped in barbed wire, then soaked in lighter fluid, and then set on fire. (Thanks a lot Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Mick Foley. Even though I love ya, kids just don’t get why this is a horrible idea. Parents, educate your kids.)
- An ice pick/awl duct taped to a golf club.
- Anything duct taped to anything else.
- Two 10 pound dumbbells connected by a short chain and to be used as nunchaku. (Silly weight lifters…)
- A brick in a sock.
- A bunch of bricks in a duffle bag, to be thrown as projectiles one at a time. (Although, this might actually work as a upper story defense means. I wouldn’t plan on going on a raid or mission with it.)
- A potato gun, filled with batteries instead of potato chunks. (This has bad news written all over it. I told the guy to call me from the E.R. and let me know how it worked out for him.)
- An iron and an ironing board as the shield.
- A Wal-Mart bag full of marbles.
- A bottle of wine. (Either empty or full.)
- A coffee maker. (Same idea as the toaster, but worth an honorable mention.)